Honest definitions from work and life

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  • Onboarding

    noun

    The corporate ritual of putting a new hire through a survival course where they are bombarded with presentations, a dictionary's worth of company jargon, namesake unskippable compliance videos, and complicated expense filing steps, typically ending with a request to pretend on LinkedIn to be excited about the new water bottle.

    HR: (on slack at 10 PM) Don't forget to post about your onboarding experience and exciting journey on LinkedIn. Let me know if you need any templates. 🙂

    CaptainWTF on August 17, 2024

  • Friend

    noun

    A person in a group who is not a best friend yet. Usually the one who gets stuck behind the group on the pavement because there isn’t enough space to walk side by side.

    CaptainWTF on September 8, 2024

  • Noted

    verb

    A passive-aggressive way to dismiss someone's annoying comment while staying professional and internally screaming not to start a fight.

    Coworker: "As per my last email, please get those changes done by end of day."
    Employee: "Noted."

    CaptainWTF on August 18, 2024

  • Pay-to-win

    adjective

    An absurdly unfair yet accepted business model in video games that is a byproduct of capitalism where a deep wallet and credit card are the only skills you need to win.

    Ted: "Dude! "I've been grinding for years! You just bought it last night! How do you always come out on top?"
    Barney: "Oh, easy! I just bought the best weapon for 100 bucks!"
    Ted: "That's cheating!"
    Barney: "Ted, Ted, Ted! Life isn't fair. You pay, you win. Swipe, spend, succeed!"

    CaptainWTF on August 2, 2024

  • Sesquipedalian

    adjective

    Using (or someone who uses) unnecessarily complicated words instead of simple words. Commonly found in academia, legal briefs, and corporate meetings from pretentious people who want to sound smart.

    Lawyer: "The contractual obligations stipulated herein are subject to modification upon mutual consent, provided such alterations are formalized through an addendum executed by both parties involved."
    Client: "You're being a bit sesquipedalian! Try again!"
    Lawyer: sighs "If both sides agree, they can change the contract, but they need to put it in writing."

    CaptainWTF on August 18, 2024